Sunday, June 3, 2012
Happy birthday, now please kindly LEAVE.
Today is my Diabetes Birthday. This is not a cause for celebration. Four years ago today I went to the doctor's, thinking I had some sort of virulent chest cold. Well, I had pneumonia, so I was close. Also, SURPRISE! You have the diabetes. Welcome to your new life.
This is only my fourth of these non-celebrations, but the emotions have been plentiful and varied: for the first birthday, I was all excited about eating a donut. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I spent hours harassing my non-diabetic friends with questions seeking the holy grail of donutery. Then the morning came, and I was sad and exhausted. No donut for me, just moody introspective moments and begrudgingly listless sugar checks and injections.
Today, I cannot name just how I feel. I'm concerned about my ongoing saga with Medtronic, but we find ourselves in a lull of action, so the hot fire that consumed me recently has extinguished. FutureScripts, my new favorite mail order pharmacy, although I hate all of them and WHY CAN'T I JUST WALK ACROSS THE STREET AND GET MY DOPE THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS...my new regimen of pens and needles have yet to arrive, and I'm rationing my dwindling few supplies like a paratrooper caught behind enemy lines. Still, these are minor complications, hopefully with a resolution in sight.
There's the new-yet-old ritual of MDI and constant data collection as I try to fine-tune this not-quite-new treatment. None of this bothers me, although I'm still a little uncomfortable shooting up in a restaurant. I feel like a bad diabetic saying that, but it's the truth, and that's the point of this little number here on the interwebs, isn't it?
Perhaps the eternal grind of the disease has numbed me. At this moment all my emotions are hushed, unassuming pastels you would encounter on the walls in a waiting room. This fact, my lack of reaction on this momentous day, elicits more of an emotional response than the actual event. Why don't I feel anything? Is there something wrong with me? HAS THE DIABETES EATEN THE EMOTION RECEPTORS IN MY BRAIN???
This fourth birthday is the strangest one yet. Perhaps I'll have a delayed reaction, and halfway through the week I'll have a breakdown, strip my clothes off and go running down the street of my quaint little village, shouting in tongues and hurdling cars. I'll be sure to save the pictures for you.
Maybe I'll finally get around to eating that non-celebratory donut.